Hello.

2008-04-07

I feel pretty adjusted to Korea now. I have my everyday life of work (it's going great) and my apartment (quiet, listen to music, watch a little TV) and...well, that's pretty much it.

Last Friday was the company party. Everyone from the two branches were there....we ate and drank soju and makju.

I went to Koroot last weekend also to visit for the first time since I moved out....it was nice and I realized how much I've missed it.

Spring has sprung. Today is my first no-jacket day! YES!

More soon...

A Little Picture of me

Hi, just a short note to let you all know I am well....and here is a little picture of me...

My Korean Korean - poop-house – regurgitation – 화장실 – kind of 스울 life...

My front door.
My house. I live on the second floor.
My walk on the way to work.
Kimchi pots - a landmark in my neighborhood.
I take bus 730 to work every day.
Chopsticks that I still am unable to manuver properly.
Bibimbap.

I have now been in 한국 [Korea] for two months, and to be honest, I still can’t believe I’m actually here. It feels so surreal…the language and the culture of course, but also the relatively small things: the kazillion neon signs everywhere, the manly lugie spitting (the sounds still gets to me,) the amount of basement establishments (emergency exit???) and (this is quite amusing) when foreigners bow to me.

Let me explain the latter one in more detail for you: When I walk down the street, there are often male foreigners (white or black) that bow to me. I think they are trying to be Korean in a way, or perhaps saying a “normal” hi to a stranger as many do in the western world, for they bow. However, NO Korean Korean man would ever bow at a female stranger on the sidewalk. NEVER. Bowing is a sign of respect and trust (I bow my head to you for you are higher and I am lower; I trust you to not kill me so much that I dare take my eyes off of you.) Also, a Korean Korean male would never dare to do such a drastic thing as saying “hi” to a female stranger on the sidewalk. BUT, and here is the amusing part: They do it because they think I am Korea Korean! HAHAHA! I find it ginormousley amusing…perhaps that’s just me.

Here are a few quotes and stories for your entertainment:
• “Are you a Korean people?”
Asked by a young student to a co-worker

• A former teacher, Caucasian, at my school was viewed as “more American” than us 이뱡인 [adoptees] by some parents whose kids we teach
As told by my manager

• An interesting conversation in my classroom
Student “Teacher Korean?” with curiosity
Marie “Yes.”
Student “Teacher speak Korean? “
Marie “No.”
Student “But how Korean if no speak???” disbelief

• “Back when I was white”
That’s one of my friends quotes that he uses when referring to himself when he was in the States (he’s an American adoptee)

• I was having a few beers with some friends one night. Afterwards, we were hungry and decided to go for some Korean food at a small place in 홍대 [Hongdae, an area of Seoul]. All of a sudden there is the infamous and dreaded sound of someone regurgitation his or her food! Yes, one of the guys at a table next to us had apparently just had a grueling need to puke…so he puked right then and there. As the gentleman he was, he naturally did NOT get up and head straight for the 화장실 [bathroom] or the outdoors, but merely put a small, thin napkin over the puke (like that covered the mass creation he had just created…NOT.) Everyone continued eating, including his friends, myself and everyone else at the little establishment. This was simply weird.

• Poop House – a strange Korean “game”
Step 1: put your hands in a praying position
Step 2: unfold your pointer fingers and form as if you were pretending they were a gun
Step 3: imagine putting your imaginary gun up towards someone’s non-imginary rectum and saying “poop house”
Step 4: imagine when grown men, business men wearing suits and ties and carrying a briefcase, do it on each other…


a little baby, a woman and an old lady
long ago
there was happiness
briefly
long ago
there was a little baby girl
chubby
bald
innocent
trusting
to be loved
long ago
there was a woman
with a little baby girl
but things happened
circumstances
hardships
destruction
sadness
desperation
the little baby girl and the woman never saw each other again
that was long ago
the little baby girl is now a woman
the woman is now an old lady
the circumstances
the hardships
the destruction
the sadness
the desperation
all still there
like long ago
like yesterday
searching
dreaming
wishing
screaming
for love
but where is the old lady
does she feel
does she think
does she love
does she even remember
does she remember the little baby girl
chubby
bald
innocent
trusting
to be loved
a woman now back
searching for that old lady
who may not feel
who may not think
who may not love
who may not remember
chubby
bald
innocent
trusting
to be loved
little baby girl
now a woman


On another note, I am well, healthy and happy. Work is going great. Seoul is getting warmer by the week and spring is definitely next. I am anticipating going for walks along 한강 [Han River] soon…beautiful place! I am anticipating sitting outside at little café’s and watch people walking by. I am anticipating the smell of spring…the flowers, the greenery, the renewal of life. I am anticipating my second spring in Korea...ever.

나를 아라소
한국에 사랑 이에 요
하나
둘
셋
이계뭬 요
곤기밥
이계뭬 요
WELCOME TO KOREA

PS: 솔리 볼 알 다 미스 스벨링스 DS:

Happy

I am so happy here in Korea. The sun may not be shining today, but it's getting warmer, spring is next, and it just feels good. Work is going well. I am meeting new people. I truly am enjoying every minute.

I miss many of you in the States and in Sweden. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you.

Short, but heartfelt.
XOXO
//m

Up Close and Personal

I realize that my blog entries since the “Beautiful or Not” (something like that) entry, my blurbs have been mostly factual and frankly rather boring. To make up for my lack of meaningful thoughts and feelings, I will be as honest and personal as I can in this entry. This might get heavy….I am bracing myself. FYI: If you are easily offended, if you have a sensitive stomach or if you can’t stand someone else’s truth, please stop reading now.

First off: My “Beautiful or Not” entry made way for a number of email responses. The collective response seemed to be “I’ve felt the exact same thing all my life so thank you for putting words to those deep and “secret” feelings.”

So here is how the beauty-thing applies to everyday life:

In the States, I feel ugly because I feel different. I feel different because people treat me differently than they treat white people. They treat me like a second-class citizen, because they consistently assume I am bad, I steal, I am poor, I am uneducated etc.

I feel ugly because when I was a teenager in Sweden I often heard “ching-chong,” “go back to China,” and because my friends constantly had various boyfriends but I didn’t. What normal, white, teenage, Swedish guy would want to be with an Asian girl? Not many, few, none….somewhere in that range of numbers. As juvenile as that may sound, my teenage years were very formative in how I still feel about myself today.

In Korea, I feel like an outsider because I am a foreigner. I can deal with that. I can deal with being treated like a second-class citizen because it’s not based on who I am. It is not based on my skin color. It is not based on assumptions. It is simply based on not being a Korean speaking Korean citizen.

It is NOT personal. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the difference.

So what do I do about these feelings? What has been the best way of dealing with these feelings? For me it has been talking with people – thanks especially to Linda and Tobias for listening, for asking questions and for caring.

Now, lets leave the appearance topic and go deeper – to happiness and trust.

Happiness.
I am happier in Korea than I have ever been before. I am happy for sunshine, for bad Korean dramas on TV, for 비빔밥 [Bibimbap, a Korean food dish], for my favorite Korean aloe drink and for a number of other small and seemingly insignificant things. I am happy to be here. The Korean language still sounds like complete incomprehensive random sounds/grunts, but I love it and I want to learn it, for I too want to utter complete incomprehensive random sounds/grunts. I love walking down the street and look like everyone else (not like a former place of employment where I was the only person with black hair, except for the cleaning lady (she was fired after a short while; I was laid off after only one and a half year.)) I love trying to describe what I look like when “black hair” or "Asian" no longer does it….you have to be relatively creative here.

Trust.
This is tough stuff. I do not trust. I cannot, and should not, talk about trust. I am filled with mistrust. Many feel this mistrust is due to the abandonment that was their first, relatively speaking, “welcome to the real world”-bang-your-head-against-the-wall sort of experience. I say it may be due to me hitting my head too hard on the sidewalk as my birth mother threw me on the sidewalk before walking away. Ok, blankly honest, I do not trust anyone, but I hope to be able to trust one day.

Ladies and gentlemen, this was deep stuff. I was completely honest with you and I feel strange being this open. But this is it. This is how it is. I do not expect anyone of you to understand me. I am simply telling you how I feel. Accept it or leave it. This is who I am. These are some of my struggles. These are some of my deepest thoughts.

Hey! Don’t say I didn’t warn you in advance…..for I did.

PS: Thanks Linda. I miss you tons.
PS: Tack Tobias. Jag ser fram emot att traffa dig om du kommer hit nar jag ar har.

한굴 말 출 먿대요 [I don’t speak Korean]

Hi everyone, and that’s for hanging in there and still reading my blog. I get quite a bit of email comments and I appreciate each and every one of them. Thank you. Keep it coming at fossphotography@yahoo.com

Another 이방인 [adoptee] I met suggested I text people on my 핸드 번 [“hand phone”…yeah, that’s what they call it here] cell phone using Konglish, thus I now text English sounds in Korean characters…
example
마이 내임 이스 마리 (my name is Marie.)
ㅁ=m
ㅏ=a
ㅇ=silent
ㅣ=ee

ㄴ=n
ㅐ=ae
ㅣ=ee
ㅁ=m

ㅇ=silent
ㅣ=ee
ㅅ=s
ㅡ=for my simplicity, consider it silent. I sverige, se det som sista bokstaven I alfabetet.

ㅁ=m
ㅏ=a
ㄹ=r
ㅣ=ee

This helps me recognize the characters faster, thus speeding up my ability to read in Korean. Not understanding, and calling my 이방인 [adoptee] or 교보 [kyopo] friends and asking “what does _____mean?” is NOT fun.

Here are a few things I have learned these past couple of days (the grammar is completely off and some sentences are half-n-half, BUT by using these few words they (Korean natives that is) understand me….and isn’t that the point of a language- to be able to communicate with others ….
건기밥 하나 추새요 a bowl of rice please
회장실 어디 where is the bathroom
감 percimmon (sp?) (a kind of a weird fruit)

Today, Saturday night as I’m writing this, was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and there were masses of people strolling around 홍대 [Hongdae = an area of Seoul] and 묭동 [Myong-Dong = an area of Seoul]. I did some shopping, I ate street food and I too just strolled along and enjoyed 스울 [Seoul]. I also went to the GOAL office (GOAL = Global Overseas Adoptee Link) in 홍대 [Hongdae] and sat in on a planning meeting for the GOAL 10-year anniversary this summer. GOAL is an adoptee-run organization that helps adoptees as they come back to Korea. GOAL provides services such as birth family searches, help with F-4 visas, translators, volunteer teachers etc. The GOAL staff has been a tremendous help for me as I’ve been, and still am, adjusting to Korea. When I was in Korea in 2007, it was GOAL that helped me to get on national TV in Korea for my birth family search. I have had the luxury of meeting many new people via GOAL. Thanks Hoya, Nicole, Felix and Daewon.

A path in My Heart
My heart is no longer as empty
I can feel happiness
but
The sorrow is there
The loneliness is there
The feeling of abandonment is there
The tears still roll
The longing for that something
It’s all still there
But
I know I am finally on a path that is right for me
A path that has some acceptance
A path that has some beauty
A path that has some understanding
A path that may even have love