Thanks and Good Bye

To all you who are still reading this....it's time for me to end it here.

Korea is my love and it will always be true.

Sarang.

xoxo
//m

Same, same, same.

I'm back in the States. It's the same thing here now as it was when I first left about a year ago. Same, same, same.

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

I feel lonelier than I ever have.
I feel a despair I’ve never experienced until now.
I struggle to stand up, to smile and mean it.
Everyday is a battle.
Against you. Against me. Against. Against. Against.
I struggle to think clearly.
Some moments are worse and some are just bad.
I try to live in the moments I have still before I have to leave what I love.
For yes, I love.
My love.

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

I want to scream at the top of my lungs and make it go away.
I want to do anything to MAKE IT GO AWAY.
But I can’t.
This time I can’t.
It’s not about me.
I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT.
NONE.
It’s all happening in front of me, and there is nothing I can do.
It’s the third time in my life that I’ve been taught that relying on other people is only for those who hope
I don’t hope anymore.
All I have is myself.
I feel so helpless. So small. So insignificant. So worthless. So alone.

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

I question myself, even though it’s not my doing.
I question myself more than I ever have.
Why do I deserve this?
What did I do to deserve this?
What did I not do to deserve this?

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

I question my value as a person.
I question people.
I question myself.
I question whether I can ever live again.
Can I live without my love?
I question that I can ever find the happiness again, the happiness I’ve just found.
I am afraid it will never come again.

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

What do I do?
The sadness.
The anger.
The disappointment.
The broken promises.
The tears.
The fear.
The loneliness.
The mistrust.
The LIES LIES LIES.
I am afraid I will turn into a puddle of tears on the floor.
It hurts so bad.
It hurts to leave this place.
It hurts to leave the people I love.
It hurts to leave my love.

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

For here I am.
And I love.

TuRmoIL

My life is in turmoil. I am trying to breath, to live, to eat, to exist. I am barely doing it. I am here, or am I? I don't know. I have no answers. I can't even think of questions. My mind cannot focus. I can hardly feel. If I feel, then what if I break down? WHo will pick me up? No one. I have to do this alone, but I don't know how. My life feels like a lie, like a sham. Was it all a game? Is it really all gone? Please give me strenght to get through this, for I feel the loneliest I ever have.

Sorry

Sorry I have not been very attentive to my blog. In fact, shall truth be told, I have not been very attentive to anything anymore. I have sort of become a reclusive hermit. I go to work of course, but then I go home. I just feel like being alone. I am thinking a lot. I am OK. Please don't worry. I will snap out of this state soon. And then....I will post funny youtube videos again, pictures and misc. mishap stories. You just wait, for the laughs will bring you and me back together! HAHAHAHAHA....laughing all the way. But for now, I need time to just be me, think, reflect and sleep.

please hold my hand

i can hardly breathe
i can't think
i merely exist
i am for i am here
but only in body not in mind
my mind is rotating in the milky way round and around
i am but i can't feel it
for all i feel is my overwhelming numbness
i can only feel that i cannnot feel
for i am barely here
i hate the moment
i despice the moment
i don't want to live in this moment
i will be stronger or i willl be crushed
but i need to breath for i am suffocating here
hold my hand
please hold my hand
hold me up
for i am falling
i am crying
i am filled with pain
please hold me up
please hold my hand

Let's Get Down To The Details Now: FOOOOOD!!!

As you all know I like to eat. for fun, for hunger, for sadness, for joy, for friendships, for love, for... ok, you get it, for just about everything. that's just what i've been doing this last week! eat eat eat.

cheese; mozzarella, cheddar, pepper jack, swiss, parmesan
pizza
veggie burgers (i know...but i like these)
pasta
salads
potatoes
black coffee
ice cream (not melon)
brownies
s'mores
chips
nachos
redbull
candy candy candy (just because i can)
crackers
pistachios
burritos

and tonight? well, i'm eating more....Italian this time....i think....followed by a recommended vitamin water (which i've never had before.)



bon appetite