Thanks and Good Bye

To all you who are still reading this....it's time for me to end it here.

Korea is my love and it will always be true.

Sarang.

xoxo
//m

Same, same, same.

I'm back in the States. It's the same thing here now as it was when I first left about a year ago. Same, same, same.

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

I feel lonelier than I ever have.
I feel a despair I’ve never experienced until now.
I struggle to stand up, to smile and mean it.
Everyday is a battle.
Against you. Against me. Against. Against. Against.
I struggle to think clearly.
Some moments are worse and some are just bad.
I try to live in the moments I have still before I have to leave what I love.
For yes, I love.
My love.

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

I want to scream at the top of my lungs and make it go away.
I want to do anything to MAKE IT GO AWAY.
But I can’t.
This time I can’t.
It’s not about me.
I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT.
NONE.
It’s all happening in front of me, and there is nothing I can do.
It’s the third time in my life that I’ve been taught that relying on other people is only for those who hope
I don’t hope anymore.
All I have is myself.
I feel so helpless. So small. So insignificant. So worthless. So alone.

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

I question myself, even though it’s not my doing.
I question myself more than I ever have.
Why do I deserve this?
What did I do to deserve this?
What did I not do to deserve this?

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

I question my value as a person.
I question people.
I question myself.
I question whether I can ever live again.
Can I live without my love?
I question that I can ever find the happiness again, the happiness I’ve just found.
I am afraid it will never come again.

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

What do I do?
The sadness.
The anger.
The disappointment.
The broken promises.
The tears.
The fear.
The loneliness.
The mistrust.
The LIES LIES LIES.
I am afraid I will turn into a puddle of tears on the floor.
It hurts so bad.
It hurts to leave this place.
It hurts to leave the people I love.
It hurts to leave my love.

Please let me stay here. PLEASE….

For here I am.
And I love.

TuRmoIL

My life is in turmoil. I am trying to breath, to live, to eat, to exist. I am barely doing it. I am here, or am I? I don't know. I have no answers. I can't even think of questions. My mind cannot focus. I can hardly feel. If I feel, then what if I break down? WHo will pick me up? No one. I have to do this alone, but I don't know how. My life feels like a lie, like a sham. Was it all a game? Is it really all gone? Please give me strenght to get through this, for I feel the loneliest I ever have.

Sorry

Sorry I have not been very attentive to my blog. In fact, shall truth be told, I have not been very attentive to anything anymore. I have sort of become a reclusive hermit. I go to work of course, but then I go home. I just feel like being alone. I am thinking a lot. I am OK. Please don't worry. I will snap out of this state soon. And then....I will post funny youtube videos again, pictures and misc. mishap stories. You just wait, for the laughs will bring you and me back together! HAHAHAHAHA....laughing all the way. But for now, I need time to just be me, think, reflect and sleep.

please hold my hand

i can hardly breathe
i can't think
i merely exist
i am for i am here
but only in body not in mind
my mind is rotating in the milky way round and around
i am but i can't feel it
for all i feel is my overwhelming numbness
i can only feel that i cannnot feel
for i am barely here
i hate the moment
i despice the moment
i don't want to live in this moment
i will be stronger or i willl be crushed
but i need to breath for i am suffocating here
hold my hand
please hold my hand
hold me up
for i am falling
i am crying
i am filled with pain
please hold me up
please hold my hand

Let's Get Down To The Details Now: FOOOOOD!!!

As you all know I like to eat. for fun, for hunger, for sadness, for joy, for friendships, for love, for... ok, you get it, for just about everything. that's just what i've been doing this last week! eat eat eat.

cheese; mozzarella, cheddar, pepper jack, swiss, parmesan
pizza
veggie burgers (i know...but i like these)
pasta
salads
potatoes
black coffee
ice cream (not melon)
brownies
s'mores
chips
nachos
redbull
candy candy candy (just because i can)
crackers
pistachios
burritos

and tonight? well, i'm eating more....Italian this time....i think....followed by a recommended vitamin water (which i've never had before.)



bon appetite

i am who i am....happier with myself....

it's not a matter of how korean i am, or how american i am, or even how european i am. it's a matter of who i am, how far i've come, or not, and what's important to me. it's about who i've become, who i've chosen to be. and it's about faith and hope and luck and bad luck, it's about life and the twists and turns that such has provided for me, and how i deal with it.

i don't feel american in the states. i feel out-of-place. sure, i know the fastest way to sebastian joe's in linden hills, despite all the construction, but still. knowing my way around does not make me american.

this is not to say that i feel korean either. although having almost had korean for lunch today in the skyway, i am not korean. random question though: what normal person eats korean food on vacation in the states (after only 3 days)? ha! maybe a korean. so there goes my korean argument.

this leaves me with: who am i? the answer is i am an ibjangin. that's it. it's that simple...or that complicated.

i am who i am. i am who i've chosen to become. i am who i've worked to become. i am the person working to be better, more honest, more healty, more hard working, more forgiving, more understanding, more caring - happier with a more fulfilling life. happier with a purpose. happier with myself.

Minneapolis, Minnesota

MISC.: I am in Minneapolis. It's warm and sunny. 35W is buzzing with traffic. Starbucks at 54 and Lyndale is busy. Minnehaha Creek has all new little bridges. Edina has a "highrise" in the former Barnes & Noble (Galleria) parkinglot. The new (and improved?) Target in Edina is open. I am still adjusting to all this...it's not bad, just new.

FOOD: I am eating cheese like nothing else. I did have a RedBull as well. But really I only want American food when I'm in Korea beacuse I can't have it. I'm eating a lot...don't really have too much else to do...

Here are some Youtube videos of Minneapolis...

American Soil once again...

Three days and I'll once again be on American soil. I am happy because will get to see some important people in my life. In fact, the people I will see are the most important people in my life. They are the people I love. I am apprehensive because I don't know what it'll be like to stick out again. But all in all, I am counting down my time here and I will pack tonight!

Oh, say can you see..... HERE I GO AGAIN.......사 랑

보령 July 2008

It's been a while now. I have been busy finishing up a lot of things - life and work. I did take a day+ and went to Boryeong to dip my feet in the ocean. Here are some pictures.

보

Kickin It...it's funny...

Mundaneity...is that a word?

My Korean life is chugging along. I can't claim to be doing too much. Monday through Friday I go to work. I try to go a bit early and either sit at a coffee shop or at a park, both of which are close to the hagwon, to get some sunlight (vitamin-D) every day. By 8.30pm when I get out of work it's dark outside and any chance of daylight has passes. At 8.30pm I trekk to the gym, which is somewehre in the Seocho-Kyodae-area, and I work out. Working out after work has become the highlight of my day. It's more than strange to even utter those words, however; it's the truth. It allows me to "run off" and "sweat off" exhaustion, tiredness and other less desirable feelings I aquire at times. During work I'm happy-try-to-appear-at-least-go-lucky Marie teacher. Then I go to the gym and I can just be. I'm liking it. But talk about switching gears! LOL!
After my gym time I trekk to my bus, I go home, I eat and chill and I sometimes watch one of my room mates movies, and then I go to bed. Each day being a repetition of the previous day. Some days include a small venture from the norm - for an example, intermittently I have to do a purchase of such items as shampoo and conditioner or shoes. Tomorrow my adventure will be going to the fan-store and buying a fan. Cuz it's hot hot hot and humid. Well, more like humid humid humid and hot.
During my far and few between weekends, I mostly see and hang out with friends. I have made friends with three of my coworkers. Then I also hang with random friends. Then there is also the GOAL-KOROOT group headed by Daewon. This group is rather large and it's members are constantly chanaging.
Like I told you...pretty mundane. But very happy!

A Fun and Crazy Weekend....

JUNE 6, 7, 8 2008
Friday June 6 is a holiday in Korea….I don’t know what holiday, only that I have the day off of work….I know that sounds really bad….oooops. At any rate, I had the day off and I wanted to do something of it. During the day I ran errands. Mostly boring stuff, but as you all know, still necessary.
Homeless
For the dinner hour I decided to feed the homeless. There is a men’s soup-kitchen that I just found out about, so I went there with Connor, Danny, Jenny, Jin, Rachel and Tina. Connor and Danny did the dishes, Jin talked with the guests, Rachel handed out soup, and Jenny, Tina and I handed out food. In fact, I was the kimchi-hander-outer!!!
A reporter (JoeMoon) from JoongAng Daily was there this time to write a piece about expats volunteering in their host country. I talked to him a little bit about being an adoptee, about being back in Korea and living here, about how Korean’s in general view me (like a foreigner, though I am Korean,) and of course about serving at the soup-kitchen.
I am thankful for the experience of serving at the soup-kitchen. Homeless issues are also part of Korea, and I am here to learn, to observe, to partake, to give and to love. It was a good experience and I will definitely go back if I have the chance to [normal hours are during my work time, so I can only go if I have a Friday off of work.]
After serving and cleaning up we (Connor, Danny, Jenny, Jin, Rachel, Tina and I) went to share a meal at Bennigan’s. Bennigan’s you wonder….well, so do I…. Why did I pay $20 for a plate of spaghetti at Bennigan’s in Korea when I won’t go near a Bennigan’s in the States? In the end that doesn’t really matter because I was in great company.
부산 [Pusan]
Coworker N and I left Seoul for a short on-the-whim-kind-of-trip to 부산 late Friday evening.
Saturday June 7.
We arrived in 부산 by 1am and immediately took a local bus to 해운대 [Haeundae.] 해운대 is a famous beach. It was beautiful! The ocean, the sand between my toes, the one star we could see in the sky, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the ocean. It was sooo refreshing! We sat in the sand til 4am and enjoyed the change of scenery.
By 4am we were both tired and decided to find a motel to crash at. We found a Korean “Love Motel.” It was my first Love Motel stay!!! The room was small, however, it furnished a big red bed….need I say more?!?!
We got up at 9am, had breakfast at Starbucks (N had coffee and a blueberry muffin while I enjoyed coffee and a bagel,) and then we headed for the ferry dock for a one-hour ferry ride.
A must-see in 부산 is 해동용궁사 [Haedong Yonggungsa Temple.] It’s a must-see based on its location on the rocky ocean coast. It’s also a must-see because of the sheer quantity of area that it takes up.
Not due to our inquiries of Pusan for the weekend, we happened to be there for the Sandcastle Festival. An important part of any Sandcastle Festival on a beautiful beach is of course music. There was a big stage set up right on the beach and different live bands played all day and all night. It was great, free entertainment.
In the evening we met my friend J and his girlfriend for dinner. J lives in Pusan but I met him in 2007 when we were both living in Seoul. The four of us enjoyed sharing a meal, and then we went down to the beach to chill, chat and enjoy the sand between our toes. Haeundae was really beautiful!
N and I wanted to get back to Seoul so we said our good-bye’s to J and his girlfriend and took the local bus back to Pusan Station. We got there at 11.20pm….just in time to learn that the last KTX for Seoul left at 11pm. We missed the last train by 20 minutes…but here is one great thing with Korea: there is always a way out.
짐질방 [Jimjilbang] here I come!
Sunday June 8
We went to a Jimjilbang…. A Jimjilbang is a bath-house with other amenities, such as computer lab, a little snack store, tv and movies, newspapers and magazines and of course sleeping arrangements (yes, on the floor.) I know that’s a vague explanation for you that have never been to one, but I truly have never encountered anything in its likeness. We slept on the floor at the jimjilbang. My alarm went off at 5am, we got up, got dressed in our own clothes, and left for the train station. “Your own clothes” you wonder…well, yes, once you enter you are to shower and hot tub in several diff tubs of diff water temperatures and then get dressed in a jimjilbang outfit (how else can I explain it?) while you are there.
On the 5-minute walk to the station we were “lucky” enough to encounter a red-light-district…. mostly Russians. Old Russians. We grabbed some coffee and some gimbaps and headed for the train….

Canon and more YouTube stuff

Catchlight, Hongdae, Seoul, South Korea...again, but this time with DJ DOC and 45RPM

Above and Below: 45 RPM

Above and Below: 45RPM


Above: Korean guy with Celtics jersey...of course I thought of KG!
Above and Below: DJ DOC
Below: 45RPM

A second shoot for Catchlight in Hongdae. This time DJ DOC (a famous Korean DJ) was there. 45RPM performed.

Meet B

This is my roommate B. It was his birthday and we went to dinner with 20 other people.

the 5 month mark and braincell usage

My 5-month mark of my time in Korea just passed this last week. I have a difficult time grasping that I have actually been here that long...it feels like it just began, like it was just cold outside (and my auzzie friend ran outside screaming because there were three snowflakes in the air) like I was just in the States and ran a quick errand to Target (I miss you Target!) But it's not. It's been five amazing months. Five months full of new experiences. Korean experiences. I will never forget, or stop being grateful, for my time here. I know, I still have nine more months here....but let me just be in awe over the time that has passed, over the time that has allowed me time to think, to reflect, to be Korean, to be Swedish, to be American, to be me. Over a time in my life when I have eaten more 비빔밥 학오 바잔 학오 밥 than any one person should eat in a lifetime. I have said this before, but it's worth repeating: The power in walking down the street and totally and utterly and completely blend in is unimaginable!!!!!

My time here has, as I said, has allowed me lots of time to think and reflect. One thing that has taken up quite a bit of effort on my braincells has been the topic of adoption. When I arrived in Korea in January of 2008 I was fairly indifferent about adoption. I felt for the people who had had bad experiences. I was happy for the people who had had great experiences. I considered myself lucky as I had had a pretty good childhood.

Now, in a puney five months (relatively speaking to a lifetime) I can say that after reflecting on myself, and after talking with other adoptees, that adoption can really hurt people. The core of the person. The thinking of the person. The trust, love and outlook on life, or the lack thereof. Some people argue for Korean domestic adoption rather than selling the hundreds or even thousands of "orphaned" Korean babies to "white countries." I'm not sure about that. I'm still thinking about it.

I remember N and S. N (boy) and S (girl) are Swedish siblings. They came from an absusive home where drugs were flowing on a regular basis to a fosterhome in a city two hours north of their hometown. N stayed in fostercare for a few years until his drug addicted mother managed to get him back. S was younger than N and the mom was not as willing to get her back. S stayed in fostercare and was later adopted by the fosterfamily. Today, N is a druggie who is in and out of jail. S became a mother in her early/mid teenage years with a criminal who goes in and out of jail. S also does drugs....but thus far has been able to keep her child. Now, was it genetics that made both N and S become druggies/associate with druggies/jail-birds? Was it their lack of roots? Was it a fluke?

I remember the Daegu 아주시. He and I were interviewed at the same time in Korea in 2007 in search of our birthfamilies. He was a Korean 아주시. He looked like any and all 아주시's that walk down the streets in Korea. He had a more difficult time than I did dealing with the emotions of adoption. He had more scares than I do. He was so lost. Maybe because he was older than I was when he was abandoned. He had memories. He even drew a picture of the place he remembered being left at. Maybe because he was a male...and all the pressures of being a male in Korea. But the fact is that he was raised in a Korean home.

However, I am absolutely against international adoption. Adoption is nothing more than a baby-business. It's about money. It's about profit. Who is considering the children? Who is truly thinking about what's best for the child? "For barnets basta" som alla sager i Sverige/"For the welfare of the child" as people say in the States. Adoption can really hurt people. The core of the person. The thinking of the person. The trust, love and outlook on life, or the lack thereof. It's about selling babies and children for money.

I had a conversation with a Korean minister about this.
He said he was sorry I was adopted. He asked if I had a good childhood. He said he was greatful that there were people in this world who could love me and care for me. He said he was greatful to white people that come to Korea and are actually willing to pay money for a child that is not of their own blood (he did not use those words, but that was the jist of it.) He said that he could only love his own blood (he's married with two sons) and that he could never love a child that was not his own blood. [Your blood line is the most important thing in Korea.]

Now, it should be said, that I have had a good life. I was fortunate. I look around and it doesn't take long to meet people with horrible stories of abuse, maltreatment and total disregard. Despite my "luck," , I look at myself, and I know that there are parts of me that are void. That are dead. That are non-existing. That aren't there. I still am lucky, and I know it. My parents didn't beat me. But they never told me they loved me. My parents gave me all the money I wanted and when I wanted it and how I wanted it. But they never said they were happy they had me. My parents never had any rules for me to follow, like curfew. But they never cared what I did either. But, I still know now, as an adult, that they did what they could. They did what they thought was right. They did the best they could. I don't doubt that for even one second. They are my parents, and though they are choosing to not speak to me anymore, they will forever be my parents. I am greatful for the opportunities they allowed me. For today, all I have is me. I rely on myself. I am independent. I am learning to accept myself for who I am. I am in Korea. And I truly an happy (NEVER start a sentence with "and" as I tell my students....ooops, oh well, they'll never read this.)

End of May 2008 in Korea.
love //number 70322

Remembering AB

My friend AB passed away this week.
Last time I saw you you were so happy to be back at work, to be done with all the treatments, so happy that all the results the doctors had showed you looked promising. So happy with life. You perspective on life had changed. A clean house didn't matter as much anymore. Now the small things mattered - a phone call from a long lost friend, a smile from a stranger, a hug from your family. My heart goes out to your family.
Love //m

"In My Mind I Question, In My Heart I am Alone"

In my last blog I said
"In my mind I question,
In my heart I am alone."

I think I just figured out a major thing within myself in that. That is my insecurity. That is my lack of trust, of love, of belonging, of acceptance. That is.
That is also my challenge. To overcome it. To conquer it. To make peace with it. To live with it. To love it. To be.

I love you. From the bottom of my heart.

Sitting Alone and Thinking...

sitting alone and thinking
can't think
just random thoughts running at a hundred miles an hour
in my head
past my head
over my head
trying to focus
trying
but to no avail.

i can feel you
i can see you
i can hear you
in my mind
you're there
loving
kind
caring
in my mind you live
in my heart you are
leaving me alone
dropping me on the street
leaving me alone
walking away
looking at me one last time
or just turning around with no backs
no last glance
no tears
no feelings
just raw
walking away
not caring
not kind
not loving
in my mind you live
in my heart you live
walking away.

did i ever deserve you?
did i ever deserve your love?
did i ever deserve your caring?
did i ever deserve your kindness?
did i ever?

in my mind i question
in my heart i am alone.

Pictures but no text

Seoul.
Namsan Tower.
Locks that couples in love hang on the Namsan Tower fence. Eternal love!


Buddha B-day May 12. Yogyesa Temple.


Seoul by night from Namsan Tower.
Namsan Tower.
A Korean guy jumps into the water to save his shoes that a group of girls had thrown in....they were giggling Korean style...
Overview of Chongyechon.


Candles from Yogyesa.
Pictures from Seoul South Korea.
//m

Happy Birthday Buddha..

Buddha's birthday was May 12.
A big chunk of Korea stood still that day...even I had the day off. I took the opportunity to walk around Seoul and get some more Korean culture in me....visited a temple, a famous park, drank 5-taste-tea, went up in Namsan tower at night to get a pretty view... All in all it was a great day. I did all that walking around with a coworker, his girlfriend, and some of his friends visiting from the States.

Here are some quotes from a newly arrived expat J who has never been in Asia before:
1. We were drinking tea in a traditional Korean tea house. I asked expat J what he wanted as I was holding the tea menu in front of him (meaning what kind of tea) when he responded "well, I guess I'll have tea".
2. Expat J got his tea and I asked him if he liked it (he was drinking 5-taste-tea which I absolutely love) and he responded "it kinda' tastes like Gatorade".
Pictures coming soon.....

Tea, Kneebones and Prunes......all in the name of Korea

Above: Myeong-Dong. Had dinner there one night. This was the view from the table.
Above: Dinner in Myeong-Dong.
Above: One of the many parks in Seoul.
Above: Korean menu...kneebone for dinner anyone????
Above: A cup of 5-taste-tea.
Above: Strangest, and most humorous, gift to me from a student: a container of prunes. NO, I had NOT hinted that I had a certain problem....HAHAHA
Above: "Crime in Korea is down"...cops on the phone...
Above: Korean snack...not my kind of snack...
Above: Street performers in Hongdae.
Above: Myoen-Dong. Had dinner there one eve. This was the view from the table.

These are some random Seoul pictures. Hope this give you all a clue of what my life is like.
//m

Catchlight, Hongdae, Seoul, South Korea

I did a small freelance shoot for Catchlight, a club in Korea. Here are a few of the pictures from that night.
//m

Sverige o Svenskarna

Hej.

Detta inlagg blir pa svenska...fast utan prickar pa de sista tre bokstaverna...detta inlagg ar for Jin, Patrik, Tobias o alla andra som forstar ett ord av vad jag sager.

Sa jag fick till sist i alla fall tummer ur roven o gjorde en liten turist trevlig tur till Namsan Tower/Seoul Tower. Ni trodde val jag skulle saga att gjort en liten resa till Pusan eller JejeuDo och sa kommer jag med Namsan Tower....jo, men sa blev det. Men det var faktiskt vart det...tummer ur roven alltsa. Jag akte inte upp i tornet...hade inte lust att betala 80 spann for att titta pa utsikten genom ett fonster...i stallet gick jag runt uppe pa marken som ocksa hade utsikts deck, frisk luft, solnedgang...etc.
Uppe pa utsikts platsen fanns hundratals las...sana man anvander for att halla snorungar borta fran kallare forradet...i alla fall sa har de last fast de pa stangslet som skyddar fran att nan ska hoppa o do. Lasena ar alla vackert inristade med namn..eller bra skrivna pa med en sharpie...karleken ar evig on man skriver sitt o sin davarande pojkvans namn pa ett las o laser fast det pa Namsan Tower...det visste ni val?!?!?
Naturligtvis lar man ocksa kla sig i matchande fula T-shirts nar man aker till Namsan...inte snygga T-shirts atminstonde, utan extra fula. Detta var naturligtvis natt jag lade marke till...

Forutom detta har jag ocksa visiterat, ocksa denna gang tog det kraft att pa tummen ur..., ett slott (??) i Suwon. Jag, tva koreaner o en polack...var dar.

Satter upp blider nar jag far tummen ur igen...fast det kanske tar ett tag....man kan ju inte ta ur den for ofta....

Ha det sa bra.
//m

Starting May 2008 with a few misc. pics from da Seoully

This is Danny and one of the kids at the orphanage.
A girl at the orphanage.
One of the Korean volunteers at the orphanage with one of the many kids there.
A boy at the orphanage.
A view from some tall building that I ended up in when I was randomly dragged to some Korean kid's 100-day party. Turning 100 days old is a big deal here.
A nice day along 하ㄴ강.

Subway entertainment.
A boy at the orphanage.
The hand of a boy at the orphanage. This kid was amazing at drawing!! Here, he was teaching me Korean. I learned HEAD, SHOULDER, KNEE, EYES, MOUTH, NOSE, EARS, NECK and to his joyful laughter BUTT. The paper he wrote on is now taped up on my wall in my room.

안영
The kids at the orphanage are NOT actual orphans. They are kids from broken homes. Sometimes they see their parents. Most of the times, they are at the orphanage. I was told that none of them will be sold...I mean adopted.

OTHER THAN THAT:
I am well. The sun is warm. The flowers are blooming. I have met some really nice people. I am learning the culture still - and loving it. I AM SOOO HAPPY!!!