TuRmoIL

My life is in turmoil. I am trying to breath, to live, to eat, to exist. I am barely doing it. I am here, or am I? I don't know. I have no answers. I can't even think of questions. My mind cannot focus. I can hardly feel. If I feel, then what if I break down? WHo will pick me up? No one. I have to do this alone, but I don't know how. My life feels like a lie, like a sham. Was it all a game? Is it really all gone? Please give me strenght to get through this, for I feel the loneliest I ever have.

Sorry

Sorry I have not been very attentive to my blog. In fact, shall truth be told, I have not been very attentive to anything anymore. I have sort of become a reclusive hermit. I go to work of course, but then I go home. I just feel like being alone. I am thinking a lot. I am OK. Please don't worry. I will snap out of this state soon. And then....I will post funny youtube videos again, pictures and misc. mishap stories. You just wait, for the laughs will bring you and me back together! HAHAHAHAHA....laughing all the way. But for now, I need time to just be me, think, reflect and sleep.

please hold my hand

i can hardly breathe
i can't think
i merely exist
i am for i am here
but only in body not in mind
my mind is rotating in the milky way round and around
i am but i can't feel it
for all i feel is my overwhelming numbness
i can only feel that i cannnot feel
for i am barely here
i hate the moment
i despice the moment
i don't want to live in this moment
i will be stronger or i willl be crushed
but i need to breath for i am suffocating here
hold my hand
please hold my hand
hold me up
for i am falling
i am crying
i am filled with pain
please hold me up
please hold my hand

Let's Get Down To The Details Now: FOOOOOD!!!

As you all know I like to eat. for fun, for hunger, for sadness, for joy, for friendships, for love, for... ok, you get it, for just about everything. that's just what i've been doing this last week! eat eat eat.

cheese; mozzarella, cheddar, pepper jack, swiss, parmesan
pizza
veggie burgers (i know...but i like these)
pasta
salads
potatoes
black coffee
ice cream (not melon)
brownies
s'mores
chips
nachos
redbull
candy candy candy (just because i can)
crackers
pistachios
burritos

and tonight? well, i'm eating more....Italian this time....i think....followed by a recommended vitamin water (which i've never had before.)



bon appetite

i am who i am....happier with myself....

it's not a matter of how korean i am, or how american i am, or even how european i am. it's a matter of who i am, how far i've come, or not, and what's important to me. it's about who i've become, who i've chosen to be. and it's about faith and hope and luck and bad luck, it's about life and the twists and turns that such has provided for me, and how i deal with it.

i don't feel american in the states. i feel out-of-place. sure, i know the fastest way to sebastian joe's in linden hills, despite all the construction, but still. knowing my way around does not make me american.

this is not to say that i feel korean either. although having almost had korean for lunch today in the skyway, i am not korean. random question though: what normal person eats korean food on vacation in the states (after only 3 days)? ha! maybe a korean. so there goes my korean argument.

this leaves me with: who am i? the answer is i am an ibjangin. that's it. it's that simple...or that complicated.

i am who i am. i am who i've chosen to become. i am who i've worked to become. i am the person working to be better, more honest, more healty, more hard working, more forgiving, more understanding, more caring - happier with a more fulfilling life. happier with a purpose. happier with myself.

Minneapolis, Minnesota

MISC.: I am in Minneapolis. It's warm and sunny. 35W is buzzing with traffic. Starbucks at 54 and Lyndale is busy. Minnehaha Creek has all new little bridges. Edina has a "highrise" in the former Barnes & Noble (Galleria) parkinglot. The new (and improved?) Target in Edina is open. I am still adjusting to all this...it's not bad, just new.

FOOD: I am eating cheese like nothing else. I did have a RedBull as well. But really I only want American food when I'm in Korea beacuse I can't have it. I'm eating a lot...don't really have too much else to do...

Here are some Youtube videos of Minneapolis...

American Soil once again...

Three days and I'll once again be on American soil. I am happy because will get to see some important people in my life. In fact, the people I will see are the most important people in my life. They are the people I love. I am apprehensive because I don't know what it'll be like to stick out again. But all in all, I am counting down my time here and I will pack tonight!

Oh, say can you see..... HERE I GO AGAIN.......사 랑